I've been excited this week about the upcoming holiday. I just seem to be feeling a lot more lighthearted lately, likely due to some help from natural progesterone that I started last month. I had been so down in the recent past, and I am grateful for the feelings of joy that sneak in here and there.
I needed to go into the Center today to finalize next week's schedule and hand out pay stubs and came in right when my normally calm and patient hubby was in the middle of a financial meltdown. Now, I know the Center is not in the best of situations right now, but for the most part he'd been telling me not to worry and I'd been trying not to. Seeing him upset and scrambling a bit to find alternatives to actually pay our bills almost sent me over the edge. If he's scared, I'm terrified.
In true form, I immediately start questioning why, if we are doing what we are supposed to and living the life God wants from us, are we being allowed to struggle in this way? We have always felt all along that God paved the way for us to open this business. We have catered to a lot of ladies who prayed for a place like ours to come along, and we feel that we've been blessed with an opportunity to make a difference in our community. I want to believe that He wants this business to succeed, but maybe we aren't the ones that are going to make it happen.
We've never expected to live off income from the Center, but it would be nice to have something extra to help us, our church and our families. We do have other jobs that keep our household running but the income from both has been cut back a good bit in the past year.
From the very start though, all I've ever truly hoped is that we are able to cover our expenses every month. For the most part for the past year and a half we've been able to do this. We've had some tough months in which we've scraped by with a little extra money stashed away, but October was the first month that we actually had to borrow money just to make it through. Now, at the end of November, we are having to do this again. This has caused us to reevaluate everything, and maybe we should have done this a long time ago, but I don't think we ever thought it would get as bad as it is.
I now understand what it is like when big companies have to take away benefits and lay off employees. It really all comes down to whether or not you can afford to pay the ones that are supposed to be helping you build your business.
To put things into perspective, this time last year we were handing out $100 bonuses and small gifts to each of our employees. This year it will be homemade salsa and a t-shirt. Kind of drives home as to where we really are. I think for the most part our girls are happy to have a job and I hope we are able to continue to provide this for them.
We are a business for sale and I have to remember we DO have a valuable asset to sell. There is someone out there who can do this better than we can and I pray that this person will materialize soon. We have started something that we hope is meant for someone else to carry on and be successful with.
I know all of this will happen in God's time and not ours. When I stop to think, I know this process is meant to teach me. Patience? Maybe. To trust God when the going gets tough? Definitely. I know I've made progress because my weak moments are just that...moments. They don't last for days and weeks on end like they used to. As impulsive as I might be at times to say and feel things I know are not true, I do know in my heart that God loves us and wants the best for us. Whatever we go through now is meant to make us better people for whatever lies ahead.