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Thursday, October 7, 2010

Moving on

I've been here many times but just couldn't make myself write anything down. In the months since I've posted there has been much that has happened.

On June 30, I thought I was having a heart attack and my husband took me to the Emergency Room. Now, I am not the type of person to panic over things going on in my body but this was different. Since March, I had been having episodes of heart palpitations. I finally went to the Dr. on June 29 and he thought I was having panic attacks and put me on Paxil. He told me to start slow and only take 1/2 tablet. On the morning of June 30 I did just that, and within one hour I was seeing sparkly floaters mainly in my left eye so badly that it was obstructing my vision. I was also dizzy and sick to my stomach. After working as much as I could throughout the day I finally laid down on the couch. All evening I was having episodes of a feeling of fullness rising in my chest up to my mouth. My mouth would go numb, my heart would race wildly, and I could feel my blood pressure going through the roof. When the episodes started happening one right after the other, it scared me enough to go to the ER. I was there for about three hours and they sent me home with a diagnosis of heart palpitations, a referral to a cardiologist, and a prescription for Xanax.

In the months since, I have felt somewhat better. I did see a cardiologist and had a stress echo test, and other than high blood pressure they think I am ok. I'm on a beta blocker to help the HBP. I know it is a combination of perimenopause and stress and I am doing my best to control it with progesterone cream and estrogen gel, the beta blocker, and now Lexapro as well.

Our business has failed. We had a contract to sell but it fell through. For whatever the reason, we are meant to take this path and we just have to move forward. We will be open until at least 10/21 to allow our members to grieve the process of our closing as well as to attempt to settle up some outstanding contracts. It is a mixture of relief and overwhelming stress, as some people expect at least partial refunds on their contracts and we have no money to pay them. We are not closing up in the night and running away, but choosing to face this head on and promise our members that we will honor our commitments. This means payment will come directly from us, not the business, so I am working as much as I can to make this process easier. My husband is meeting with a lawyer next week to figure out if and how we can get out of our lease. This is the biggest obstacle we have to overcome.

We have not lost our faith. There are days that we waver (like last night I went to bed at 8:30 because I couldn't stand to THINK anymore) but we know this could be much worse. Our membership has been down and this means fewer people we have to reimburse, so this is a blessing. We are praying for peace in our hearts and the strength to do everything that needs to be done to close this chapter in our lives.