I have been so pissy this week. I really do try to control this because I don't want to be this way. I get up and pray daily for strength but I know I am battling a war with Satan for my peace of mind. In addition, I have reduced my Prometrium hormone from 200 mg to 100 mg because of other side effects I was having. The only thing I noticed at first is that I didn't sleep as well, but now I am beginning to wonder if the 200 mg kept me on a more even keel emotionally?
This period in my life has been so difficult for me. The business is still not sold and only hanging on by a thread from month to month. If I really think about it, I know that God has saved us time and time again and I should be praising Him constantly that we have not had to close our doors. Don't get me wrong - I do thank Him regularly - it's just that I feel guilty when I start to lose faith and feel the way I do this week.
We have taken out another large quantity of retirement money and are "investing" it in the business by paying off our massive company credit card debt. We accumulated the majority of this debt not by being foolish, but because there was no business between Sept 2009-Jan 2010 and the only way we could stay open was to charge everything. We are being forced to do this as it is starting to affect our personal credit. Even though we pay our personal bills on time every month and sometimes in full, the credit card companies see the high company balance and panic, thinking we will eventually bail, and they have started penalizing us by taking credit away from us personally. I know, not fair, but what can you do? We have chosen to pay off the company debt, to no longer have any company credit cards, and only deal in cash until the business sells. The money we receive from the sale of the business (assuming it will sell) will be rolled back into our retirement. If we run out of cash before we sell, we have no credit cards to fall back on and we will have to close our doors.
This is where our faith comes in. If this business was truly put in place by God as we have felt all along, then He will allow it to prosper and remain open, or will bring that elusive buyer in His time. In our gut, we do not feel that God wants this to fail. He wants us to trust Him to carry the burden for us. When we finally let go is when He can do His work.