I am consistently inconsistent.
I would love to be on an even keel. Are there people out there that really are, or do they just look like they are? I can't fake it.
As much as I try to focus on my faith and pray and do all the things I know I should, I find myself questioning where I am in life and what I'm doing. Maybe it's a New Year's thing. And then I feel guilty because maybe I'm not trusting God the way I should.
I always have the best of intentions. I want to get in shape. I want to further my experience in my field. I want to become a better volunteer, better cook, better wife, etc. but I rarely follow through for long periods. My attention span has me jumping from idea to idea when one of them does not satisfy. But will anything satisfy if I'm working towards the wrong thing?
I'm now menopausal and severely lacking in energy. I'm heavier than I've ever been. I've heard of women going through all of this but never thought it would affect me the way it has. But, is this truly the problem?
I started reading a book last year, I think it was called The Happiness Project, and the main idea is finishing what you start and you will be happier. I really think I could benefit from this, but I haven't finished the book. See a trend?
My heart feels pulled in different directions. My dad passed last year and my mom is still struggling, and my grandson was born last Sept. They're all in GA. I always thought when I had a grandchild that I would be able to keep him or her while Ashley works. I love my husband and my home, but I also want to be three hours away.
All of this leaves me feeling ambivalent about my life. I'm unsettled and uninspired when I want to be filled with joy and working towards a goal. I want to know that I'm doing what I was meant to do. I'm almost 52 and it doesn't feel like I am.
My (thankfully extremely supportive) husband and I have talked and he feels that I take on too much of the stress of others. I worry for my mom, for my daughter and her family, and for my own life here. It just becomes too much.
So, if I'm supposed to be at peace and not worry and put everything in God's hands, then how come it is so hard for me? There are times that I feel close to God and others when I feel so far away. This makes me anxious and depressed at the same time.
So, this week I am taking a step back. So far, I've done very little and have tried to read and pray and get my thoughts in order. Ashley and Brooks are coming for a visit and I hope this will lift my spirits.
I read something at the beginning of the week that makes a lot of sense: "Honor God. Serve that single objective and everything else will fall into place". So, that's my only resolution this year - since that one should take care of all of the above.
Lord, I pray for clarity in my thoughts and peace in my heart. Help me to see what I can do each day to honor You, so that You will point my footsteps in the right direction. Amen.