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Sunday, December 30, 2012

Show me the right path, O Lord; point out the road for me to follow.
Lead me by your truth and teach me, for you are the God who saves me. Psalm 25:4-5

I am thankful this morning that my mother called me and she asked me for the name and phone number of a doctor who will give her a second opinion. Rather than being angry at me about blowing up, she has a renewed desire to find out what is wrong.

I thanked God immediately for this change as I know it couldn't have come without His help.

Why am I amazed when He comes through for me? Why do I feel so unworthy of His love and mercy? He is proving to me that He is here, that He hears me, and that I can depend upon Him.

Saturday, December 29, 2012

"Consider it pure joy whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perserverance. Perserverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything". James 1:2-4
 
I pulled this scripture from a previous post. My life seems to be nothing but trials lately. And even though I try to do the right thing to get through these times, life still overwhelms me.
 
Today I sit here with a stiff neck from stress and an overwhelming feeling of depression. I, a person who has depended upon her faith to get her through most everything, am being crushed under the weight of my own regret.
 
My parents are in their 70s and getting more feeble by the day. My mother in particular, who has had manageable issues with her spine up until this past August, has been crippled by what should have been a simple surgery to reinforce her arthritic spine. Since mid November, she's been housebound and in what she describes as "horrible pain" from her back into her right thigh. My father, weakened by COPD and on oxygen 24/7, is her caretaker. I am three hours away.
 
Her doctor, supposively against ordering physical therapy, continues to keep my mother drugged up rather than finding a solution to her pain. Weeks ago, I suggested getting a second opinion but was rebuffed. My parents think that I think they are fools and can't take care of themselves. In the meantime, mom tells us of her crying in pain every morning as if it is something she just has to get used to. This stresses my dad and he encourages her to do nothing but sit. Sitting gets her stiff and the pain just keeps getting worse. They are their own worst enemies.
 
They have friends, and their church supposively is sending over people to help - but to hear her talk, no one is responding to their needs.
 
So yesterday, after a phone call of TMI from my mom, I snapped. For the past two weeks, I myself have struggled with the flu, what I think is a bleeding ulcer, a rapid heartbeat, and too much company over the holidays. Yesterday was the first day that no one was here and I could focus on taking Christmas decorations down. I was feeling overwhelmed already from phone calls from both my daughter and sister talking about what mom is doing and saying. So when mom called and shared WAY too much, I lost it.
 
Now I really don't know what to do other than pray. My heart tells me God sees the big picture and has everything under control. How come I can't just let go and trust Him? The fear that my parents will live out the rest of their lives in pain and without hope is so much to bear. But if God could send His own son to the cross, who could say that their pain or mine is even comparable to that? The key to trusting Him is living without fear. Why is this so hard for me?