Choices

Sigh. I said before that I didn't know if the career change a few months ago would be a short term experience or long-term success. As it turns out it was just short term, but ending it was my choice.

I never thought I would have to choose between peace in my heart (and gut) and the unlimited potential for income. In this case, the lure of a financially prosperous career just wasn't worth the lack of sleep and emotional and physical pain it was causing.

Red flags were raised the first week, but I pushed past them. The first conversation about my concerns came after the first month. After convincing me to hang in there, there were several doctors visits over the next month and half due to stress-related issues. We were quickly coming up on the three-month mark, the time I was told we could lock in the partnership or decide to end it. I don't think my partners ever thought I would opt for the latter. They thought if anyone ended it, it would be one of them.

It's only been a week, and my mind and stomach are so much more at ease. 

I struggled with giving it up not only because of the potential income, but because I didn't want to give up on something that I felt had been brought into my life to help me grow, and maybe I wasn't giving it enough time. But then I started to think - if this was indeed brought to me as a learning experience, did I learn anything - and the answer is yes.

I learned that I'm more social and have a better business acumen than I thought. I learned about my ability to start something new at the age of 53 and to be good at it. I know now that I can smell a bad deal a mile away, and I can stand up for myself and not be intimidated. And, unlike with my partners, I learned it's not always about the money.

If it had been about something more than money, we could have continued to work this out because in general, I really loved the job. Our value systems seemed so much alike on the surface but, just like in any relationship, once I dug in, I found out how different we are.

So, where does this leave me? Not completely without work (or income) at least for now. There are residuals still to be paid from a couple of projects, and I'm also being retained to write blogs for at least one client on a monthly basis. The blogs don't add up to a lot of money, but right now the experience is worth more. I could market myself to other companies as a freelance writer, but my confidence level isn't quite there. I still have a lot to learn. Right now, I believe my future lies in writing rather than going back to transcription. My hub is still on a job search, so the possibility of a move is still on the horizon. There's just a lot of uncertainty right now, but as I said, I am at peace with it.

What started as a business connection for my husband and turned into a job for me eight months later, has now come full circle within the year and is an answer to a prayer whispered last October. God heard me, allowed me to discover the answer through my experience, and now will continue to lead me where He wants me. This I know for sure.

So, I'm moving forward into this next week with hope and a plan to swim for the first time in weeks. YES! And giving thanks continuously for the opportunities, failures and successes alike.

Jesus promised us in John 16:13, "But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all the truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come" (NIV).

Honestly...

It's been a rough week.

I seem to always fall into a slump whenever I visit family, but am usually able to shake it off. This time I'm in a "pit", and its been difficult to crawl out.

I think some of it has to do with my work. I was notified last week that the entire dictation system I work with is changing. This was expected to some degree, but I wasn't prepared for it to completely change my job. I've been a medical transcriptionist for 12 years, but now am being trained as a voice recognition editor. There is a part of me that is very happy about this as it adds a new skill set to my resume. It will bring my job into the current century rather than working on an outdated, overrun system. But there is also the part of me that is older and set in my ways and resistant to change. The fact that the company I contract with is also unsure of all of the ramifications of this change has left me feeling somewhat insecure.

All of this, together with the emotional upheaval of being with family but not having enough time to really enjoy being with everyone and do everything I want to do, has pushed me into despair. I start asking the questions I thought I already knew the answer to, like "Why are we here (in Greenville) and what is my purpose (when I am needed more there)?"

I know what to do to help me with this situation, so why don't I do it? Wallowing in self pity is not something I allow myself to do very often, but for whatever reason it gives me a sense of control over my life when all I feel is out of control. My husband gets confused, but as long as he knows it's not about him, he can deal - and wait it out. I'm better today than I was on Monday, so he can see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Deep down, I am angry. I lived close to my family for so long, but it was when they didn't need me as much. Now that they need me, I am too far away to just drop everything and run to them. I used to reason in my mind and trust that it was for the best, but when you're being irrational, all reason goes out the window.

So, where to go from here? I am praying for understanding. I think I've matured enough spiritually to know that God expects us to have human flaws, and it's ok to get angry and frustrated, but it's not ok to stay that way. All He wants at times like this is for us to realize our need for Him. I need to get back to what I know to be true, and trust that HE knows much better than I about where I belong.

So I smile and keep moving forward, and just keep thinking about this beautiful, precious boy who calls me Mimi, and is a blonde version of my little girl all those years ago...